feeling horny?
image from bizzaremag.com
For a variety of reasons, the past week has been surprisingly full of uniporn, penis unicorns and unicorgies. I can’t seem to hop online without stumbling upon trailers for unicorn-themed pornos—fast-forward to 2:17 to for the mouth-on-alicorn action I know you’ve been craving—or ads for penis unicorn merch.
Admittedly, a lot of this uniporn is self-inflicted. While I’ve never been the biggest fan of real porn, there’s something irresistible about unicorns having 3 way penetrative sex while vomiting rainbows—see the eponymous Bizarre Magazine article for more details/links.
My theory as to why there’s such a plethora of horsey-with-a-horn action? Unicorns are essentially giant penis metaphors. For the past thousand years, they’ve changed in shape, color, size, temperament and symbolism. The only constant has been their phallic horns (which some literature describes as up to 3 meters long). For the record, Jung totally agrees with me! He kind of—but not totally— came up with this idea first (see his The Paradigm of the Unicorn for details).
I’ve also been doing a bit of thinking about how uniporn fits into standard porn typologies. Is it something one should describe as an extension of a furry fetish? Can it be bestiality if unicorns don’t exist? Most of my anecdotal experience thus far suggests that the folks into uniporn are the same people into sexy water nymphs, tarty trolls, and skanky sirens. This would suggest that a fetish for unicorns is probably best grouped under the broader umbrella of “fantasy fetish”. I’m going to continue poking around in dark, scary corners of the internet looking for a more satisfying classification; labeling uniporn as a “fantasy fetish” doesn’t acknowledge the fact that unlike faeries, trolls and elves unicorns are not even remotely anthropomorphic.
Thoughts? Why do you think the “screwnicorn” simultaneously seems perfectly natural and totally messed up?
Recent Comments