Quakers and Shakers

Just stumbled upon Make Love Not Porn, a website dedicated to exposing the discrepancies between “Porn World” and “Real World.”  While some of their illustrations are cute, the jury is still out on whether the website is really necessary.  I think it’s pretty obvious to anyone who’s had any sort of “real world sex” that physical intimacy is nothing like earning a 10.0 from the judge from Ejacuador that goes on in porn flix.  In some ways, this site is almost as redundant as “Middle Earth VS. The Real World dot com” would be: yea, no shit there aren’t pointy eared Elves running around speaking Quenya, living forever, killing shit with arrows and looking smokin’ hot with blonde extensions in the “real world.”

Yes, sometimes men can be assholes in bed, but in general, I’d say that’s usually a byproduct of overall douchyness, not some naive misconception about the nature of “real sex.”  Maybe porn does color our expectations of what sex should look and sound like, but do we really need a reductionist website to remind us that Debbie Does Dallas is going to be nothing like Syphilitic SAS Sophomore screws Sarcastic SEAS Senior?

Uncategorized porn

image from bizzaremag.com

For a variety of reasons, the past week has been surprisingly full of uniporn, penis unicorns and unicorgies. I can’t seem to hop online without stumbling upon trailers for unicorn-themed pornos—fast-forward to 2:17 to for the mouth-on-alicorn action I know you’ve been craving—or ads for penis unicorn merch.

Admittedly, a lot of this uniporn is self-inflicted. While I’ve never been the biggest fan of real porn, there’s something irresistible about unicorns having 3 way penetrative sex while vomiting rainbows—see the eponymous Bizarre Magazine article for more details/links.

My theory as to why there’s such a plethora of horsey-with-a-horn action? Unicorns are essentially giant penis metaphors. For the past thousand years, they’ve changed in shape, color, size, temperament and symbolism. The only constant has been their phallic horns (which some literature describes as up to 3 meters long). For the record, Jung totally agrees with me! He kind of—but not totally— came up with this idea first (see his The Paradigm of the Unicorn for details).

I’ve also been doing a bit of thinking about how uniporn fits into standard porn typologies. Is it something one should describe as an extension of a furry fetish? Can it be bestiality if unicorns don’t exist? Most of my anecdotal experience thus far suggests that the folks into uniporn are the same people into sexy water nymphs, tarty trolls, and skanky sirens. This would suggest that a fetish for unicorns is probably best grouped under the broader umbrella of “fantasy fetish”. I’m going to continue poking around in dark, scary corners of the internet looking for a more satisfying classification; labeling uniporn as a “fantasy fetish” doesn’t acknowledge the fact that unlike faeries, trolls and elves unicorns are not even remotely anthropomorphic.

Thoughts? Why do you think the “screwnicorn” simultaneously seems perfectly natural and totally messed up?

Sexxx porn, unicorns