Quakers and Shakers

Anyone who knows me knows I love animals.  Most especially men, puppies and penguins, but generally, I have nothing but affection for all animals.  That being said, I can’t ever imagine wanting to use the services of Revenge Crabs dot com, a site that promises to help you get revenge on your not-so-loved ones by shipping colonies of public lice you can infest them with.

First of all, I think the site’s pricing is a bit exploitive:  $298 for some bugs? Puh-lease.  There are much cheaper ways to get an STI just four of five blocks west of FroGro.  Getting heartbroken/emotionally unstable people to spend what is, for many,  nearly a week’s pay on pubic lice strikes me as a little sketchy.

Further, though the site promises that infesting someone with pubic lice is legal in all fifty states, I can’t imagine a breakup situation in which giving the ex pubic lice would be strategically advantageous. No matter what they did during the relationship, you will always be the immature dick who infested them with crabs. Good luck getting mutual friends to “side” with you after that one.

If you really can’t resist the urge to bestow someone with a venereal ailment, I suggest you check out Giant Microbes, a site that sells plushy, stuffed microbes. They’re cheaper than your own pubic lice colony and you’ll only be kind of an ass if you gift them.

Amber Weekes Uncategorized