no nicknames were harmed in the writing of this post
Amber Weekes
Adam, Eve, Satan
Up until about 3 hours ago, I was fairly certain that the habit of nicknaming potential love interests, which I gleefully engage in with a few select friends was relatively anomalous—a blip of puerility on a campus dominated by proper noun maturity. Not so! After chatting with a male friend it seems that this practice is more widespread than I’d originally suspected. Apparently, there are women running around this campus who are, unbeknownst to them, best known to the brothers of one fraternity as “Tasty Panettone” and “Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever.”
Where’s the appeal in slapping asinine labels on people who already have perfectly functional first names? I think the major/obvious benefit to actively practicing nicknamizationalism is that it lessens the need for discretion when talking about one’s personal affairs. While it’s entirely inappropriate to bound down Locust loudly discussing your desire to fellate John Doe, it’s only mildly unbecoming to chat away about how you’d love to do it like Adam and Eve in Book IX of Paradise Lost with “Procopious VF XVII.”
The other advantage of nicknaming love interests is that in doing so, you assert control over how you’re going to conceptualize them. Someone can be “Chem Cutie” all semester, but the second he stands you up thrice in two-weeks, it’s easy enough to rename him some quasi-clever play on “jerk,” “asshole” or “douchebag.” In this way, the nickname serves as a representation of how one wishes one perceived things. Your feelings towards your cheating ex may be muddled, but his nickname is quite clear: the guy’s a jerk who is not worth your time.
Even after three paragraphs of rationalizing, I’m still not exactly proud of the fact that I semi-frequently resort to the childish practice of nicknaming. Regardless, I won’t deny that I’ve become quite adept at churning out clever sobriquets. Some tips for anyone considering incorporating nicknaming into his or her life:
- Unless you’re 100% not friends/interested in someone, avoid blatantly nasty nicknames. You can imagine the delightful time I had explaining the merits of the nickname “Demented Ducky” to my dear friend, Demented Ducky.
- Anagram generators are your friends.
- When in doubt, incorporate the words “tutu,” “spoon,” “antidisestablishmentarianism” or “caribou” into the nickname and you’ll be fine.
Recent Comments