Quakers and Shakers

Today, residents of Oakdale, California came together for a fabulous sit-down dinner to benefit the Oakland Cowboy Museum.  Though most $50, sit-down dinners allow you to make the sophisticated choice between steak and salmon, this fundraiser had only one delicacy. Mountain Oysters. Sound, appealing? Before you book your ticket to Oakdale, let me tell you that “Mountain Oyster” is a euphemism nickname for fried bull testicles.

Volunteers at the annual Testicle Festival—because testicles love a good party—fried up four hundred pounds of bulls’ balls to serve to guests at the event.  Last year, people travelled from all over California to get a taste of these balls, and the event raised $28,000.  Not only did these crazies eat balls, they ate four hundred pounds of them.  You couldn’t pay me $50 to munch on a plate full of animal genetalia, but clearly some people want to go “Balls to the Walls Bellies.”

Newsworthy, Uncategorized balls

Cartoon from the Boston Globe

I have a nasty little habit of shopping in between classes.  This little practice has been curbed by the fact that it’s Depression 2009, and my cash flow is now a cash trickle, but I’ll still make occasional stops into Urban. I’ve even purchased a romper/jumper/vest or other fake-edgy staple that isn’t my style because “It looked so cute when I tried it on!”  In the store.

In the light of day, outside of the hipster haven of Urban Outfitters, my newly-bought fedora, snake-skin leggings, or booty-shorts with suspenders look ridiculous, and I’m forced to contend with the fact that I spent my food-money for the month to look like a poor-man’s Rihanna.  Buyer’s remorse isn’t too wretched when it involves having bought a “ShamWow” or making a poor choice of sandwich at Houston, but what about buyer’s remorse in the bedroom? Read more…

Relationships

For a long time Boudica, a warrior who fought against roman soldiers in what is now the UK, has been my favorite post-Lucy, pre-Renaissance woman.  A recent post on Sexoteric has me reconsidering; Byzantine empress/total Lolita, Theodora, is giving Boudica a run for her money. Sixth century historian Procopius dishes on Theodora’s super slutty adventures. Read more…

Sexxx

The Onion: Cosmopolitan Releases 40-Year Compendium: 812,683 Ways To Please Your Man

One might not expect that the magazine that told you to “slip a glazed doughnut around his manhood and nibble it off” or “chill a bunch of marbles in the fridge, toss them on the bed and make him lie on them while you straddle him” has any worthwhile advice about how to get it on. However, long ago, I picked up one of my favorite “tricks” from a Cosmopolitan article.  Since then, all the “bottoms” (both male and female) I’ve shared this tip with agree it’s a great way to get someone off quickly, assert control in the sack or just have fun with sex.

Warning: step by step instructions for super hot intercourse after the jump. Read more…

Sexxx Cosmopolitan

Still looking for that special someone? Free this Saturday from 10:30 am-1:00 pm? Love adipocere, conjoined twins and pickled organs? You might want to think about joining Meet Market Adventures for their singles tour of Philadelphia landmark The Mütter Museum. I know from personal experience that folks who ♥ spending weekends with skeletal material tend to make fabulous lovers.

Uncategorized

The Shenis and a few other select female accessories

Being a boy is easy.  You don’t have to deal with periods, mean girls or childbirth and when you go camping, you can pee without the risk of getting poison ivy on your nether-regions.  Men take for granted the fact that they can take a leak (and aim!) out of car windows, in corners and behind trees by simply unzipping their pants.  If I have to pee in the wilderness, even if that wilderness is the parking lot behind Fiso Lounge, it’s a whole production. I have to think: Squat. Don’t pee on pants and/or feet. Don’t lose balance and fall back on bare ass into puddle of own urine. Ensure purse is above pee-level.  These are all of the concerns that a woman must face when she simply wants to relieve herself outside of a bathroom!

Kiki Curry, a freaky-looking red-headed Texan decided that it was time women had the right to urinate without sitting down.  She created the Shenis, a $21, gold, twleve-inch, penis-shaped funnel that women can use to pee, anywhere.  Standing up.  Does anyone else find it disturbing that Kiki was engaging in so much public urination that she needed to invent this contraption? Do they not have bathrooms in Texas? Kiki has also invented the She-Nutz, which come in a variety of different colors and are great for your keychain, truck or bike! They are fake balls made of plastic that serve absolutely no purpose. What. The. Eff? Penis envy does exist.

Sexual Health

Virginity rates of certain majors at Wellesley College. Source: Counterpoint Magazine

According to Isaac Newton’s Law of Motion, “for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”  For every push, there is a pull, for every up, there is a down and for every flaming skank-whore, there is a virgin. On Penn’s campus, where many co-eds tend to hump around like un-neutered puppies, the virgin seems to be a rare breed of college student. However, one curious NYU undergrad conducted an unscientific study, asking 4,593 students to submit their college majors, college years and V-card statuses—swiped or un-swiped—and got some very surprising results.

Eighty-three percent of math and chemistry majors are struggling to lose their virginities, art majors must be having orgies on the floors of their studios, for inspiration: zero percent of them were virgins. Clearly, sex is a pre-requisite for Drawing 101.  English majors fared decently, with fifty percent of the students admitting virginity. As an English major, this doesn’t surprise me since half of the kids in my major are weirdo-freaks that would rather have sex with a character from a novel or with Shakespeare—fictional and dead, respectively—than any actual, living human.

The study also gives broad statistics about the percentages of virgins in different years of college. For those freshmen who can’t even watch 40 Year Old Virgin without cringing in fear that that could be you, feel comforted in the fact that 64% of college students polled still had their “flowers” during their first year of college.  You don’t have to start “Operation Prostitute: 2009,” just yet. Plus, the percentage of virgins drops to 28% for seniors, so your chances of boning gets better with each passing year! Take a look at the chart and see how virginal/naughty your major is. If your major’s stats aren’t looking good and you’re eager to jump off of the “virgin wagon,” don’t fret, you can switch. Penn does have a fine arts major.

Correction: the study was conducted by Counterpoint Magazine at Wellesley College.

Sexxx virgin

Giacomo Casanova 1725-1798

Most of us are familiar with the urban legend that  that the Eskimo language has 37,593,475 words for snow because snow’s a fairly constant feature in the Eskimo landscape.   While I’m pretty sure that tale is bunk, I think the concept it puts forward can be used to explain the plethora of English language words for “womanizing jerk.”  Every time I hear the word “player” I cringe.  There are so many more descriptive ways to talk about that lush who managed to hookup with three of yours friends in a weekend. As an early Christmas present, I’m going to save you time searching through a thesaurus and present three of my favorites here.

Main Entry: lo·thar·io
Pronunciation: \lō-ˈther-ē-ˌō, -ˈthär-\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural lo·thar·i·os
Usage: often capitalized
Etymology: Lothario, seducer in the play The Fair Penitent (1703) by Nicholas Rowe
Date: 1756
A man whose chief interest is seducing women

Main Entry: Ca·sa·no·va
Pronunciation: \ka-zə-nō-və, ka-sə-\
Function: noun
Etymology: Giacomo Girolamo Casanova
Date: 1852
lover; especially a man who is a promiscuous and unscrupulous lover

Main Entry: Don Juan
Pronunciation: \dän-(h)wän, chiefly British in poetry dän-jü-ən\
Function: noun
Etymology: Spanish
Date: 1679
a captivating man known as a great lover or seducer of women

Shout out to Merriam-Webster for the definitions.  Noah’s always been good to me, even when the Lotharios of the world have me hating on men.

Uncategorized

Imagine this.  You and your lover are sleeping after a long, hot night of steamy passion. She awakens you by aggressively fondling your goods and pulling herself on top you. Though you’re eager to start round 3 of your all night romp-fest, you realize that her eyes aren’t closed in a lusty, “Take me!” way. They’re closed in a dead, “I’m sleeping” way. Slightly spooked, you call her name and jolt her from sexing slumber (yep, she was sleeping) and she flips out, accusing you of trying to take advantage of her while she’s trying to sleep. The girl in this story is a sexsomniac. Yep, you read correctly. SEXsomniac.

While many of you have been roused and aroused by a hook-up for some middle of the night lovin’, the person doing the rousing is usually awake.  Sexsomniacs, those who suffer from a rare sleep disorder that causes them to engage in sexual acts while they are asleep, try to get some even when they’re unconscious.

Like sleepwalkers or sleep-eaters unconsciously  commit their sleep-acts, these sleep-sexers will get down and dirty with their partners (or themselves) and have absolutely no recollection of it.  These disorders are parasomnias, sleep disorders that occur when the brain is in deep sleep, but base human functions such as movement, eating and sex are still possible.  A man in Toronto, with a history of sleepwalking, was tried and acquitted of sexual assault, using sexsomnia as his defense! Read more…

Sexual Health, Sexxx sexsomnia

Getting bored of simply mixing pain and pleasure? Try mixing pain, pleasure and your favorite two-tone design. Violet Blue posted a link to an Instructable about how to create paddles that temporarily “brand” those they smack with a logo or  image.  While the custom paddle simply features the outline of the Apple logo, I imagine one could come up with all sorts of ironic images to “brand” someone with.  Have fun!

Sexxx